Friday I woke up with a sense over horrible dread. I couldn't quite put my finger on why. Earlier in the week we heard some news of a close family member being diagnosed with cancer and that did shake me a bit. But then I got my footing back and carried on as usual. I still felt sadness but much less anxiety. I wondered if the anxiety was slipping back in again or if something terrible was about to happen. I mentioned it to my friend that I was feeling a horrible sense of dread. I said I'd pray on it. She agreed,
"Remember to put your trust in God."
I went about my day as Nate had an appointment for cranial sacral therapy. Then the news of a shooting in Newtown crept in. I pushed it aside telling myself I couldn't deal with this kind of stuff right now. It wasn't helping with my horrible dread. At first it was just one dead so I shoved it away and still wondered what this dreadful feeling was about.
The news got worse. Then it occurred to me that maybe this was the terrible thing. I mentioned it to my friend and she concurred and told me to shield myself from it. She knows of my oversensitivity to horrible things that go on in the world and seems to catch me when I obsess about these things before I even realize what I'm doing.
But there was no escaping it. This was really something horrible. The source of my dread was found. I felt like giving up on the world. I waited anxiously for the kids to get out of school. The post about gun control trickled in. Everybody reacting to such earth shattering news in their own way. I didn't look at news articles. I didn't search anything out. But the posts from Facebook kept coming in. She told me to step away from Facebook.
She knows about my lack of filters when bad things happen.
I'll obsess about it. Read everything about it. Cry. Visualize the event. Have moments of dread where I feel the terror of what happened. See the parents and their world crashing down. My filters don't work. I know I wasn't alone in feeling the impact of the tragedy. But I know I tend to be a lot more obsessive than the average person. I've learned to not look at the articles. But then the pictures of the children started showing up on Facebook. My friend was right. I needed to just turn everything off.
Last night I was talking with my husband. I told him I was sad. He asked why, kind of surprised. I mentioned the recent tragic events and sad news. I said I just couldn't take it. It's too much. He reminded me about my filters. That I needed to put them up.
"Bad things happen all the time. They're always happening and if you think about every one you'll go insane. Probably the reason why some people do go insane."
Yes, he's right. Probably why people in the military are struggling with severe depression and suicide. Bad things happen and we are mostly helpless. It can make you want to give up on life.
I thought of Nate and how him and I are so similar. We both have a tendency to shut down and want to channel ourselves into some kind of repetitive activity. He can't shut off his brain from all the stimuli happening around him. I can't shut off my brain from all the evils of this world. Perhaps in that sense there's the genetic susceptibility. We're both very sensitive people. And technology is breaking down our natural filters. Before it was just what was on the TV for a few hours in the day. Now the news is 24/7. Turn off the t.v. and turn on the internet. Innocently check your Facebook and there it is. Faces of beautiful babies now gone from this world.
The lesson I'm starting to learn is I still want to be connected to the world in some way and the bad things will continue to happen and I still must be connected. I can't shut off even if it hurts too much.
We want to stay connected but then we open ourselves up to all kinds of things where we have no filters to stop it.
With Nate, I'm having to rethink how I connect in this world. I'm a recluse that doesn't like to do social things but I've made my world very small. Nate is teaching me to not let our lack of filters to stop us from experiencing everything. We both need to learn to integrate ourselves into the outside worlds.
The world is scary and there is much evil. We don't have a lot of control over it. But life goes on and must be lived.
In one of my sessions with my homeopath, I was visualizing that I was in a tunnel slide and it was rough. I was feeling it but not experiencing it. It was a strange realization. I've shut myself off but still feel things anyway. My lack of filters doesn't stop things from coming in no matter how hard I try to shut myself off.
I'm getting the sense that as I try and get out more and immerse myself into life and living that the world will open up for Nate as well.
One important gift I've received from Nate is that much of his healing is intertwined with my own healing. I must heal myself as I try and heal him.
My heart is still broken with the recent tragedy and my prayers go out to everyone affected by it. May God grant eternal joy to the victims and mercy to the killer.
"Remember to put your trust in God."
I went about my day as Nate had an appointment for cranial sacral therapy. Then the news of a shooting in Newtown crept in. I pushed it aside telling myself I couldn't deal with this kind of stuff right now. It wasn't helping with my horrible dread. At first it was just one dead so I shoved it away and still wondered what this dreadful feeling was about.
The news got worse. Then it occurred to me that maybe this was the terrible thing. I mentioned it to my friend and she concurred and told me to shield myself from it. She knows of my oversensitivity to horrible things that go on in the world and seems to catch me when I obsess about these things before I even realize what I'm doing.
But there was no escaping it. This was really something horrible. The source of my dread was found. I felt like giving up on the world. I waited anxiously for the kids to get out of school. The post about gun control trickled in. Everybody reacting to such earth shattering news in their own way. I didn't look at news articles. I didn't search anything out. But the posts from Facebook kept coming in. She told me to step away from Facebook.
She knows about my lack of filters when bad things happen.
I'll obsess about it. Read everything about it. Cry. Visualize the event. Have moments of dread where I feel the terror of what happened. See the parents and their world crashing down. My filters don't work. I know I wasn't alone in feeling the impact of the tragedy. But I know I tend to be a lot more obsessive than the average person. I've learned to not look at the articles. But then the pictures of the children started showing up on Facebook. My friend was right. I needed to just turn everything off.
Last night I was talking with my husband. I told him I was sad. He asked why, kind of surprised. I mentioned the recent tragic events and sad news. I said I just couldn't take it. It's too much. He reminded me about my filters. That I needed to put them up.
"Bad things happen all the time. They're always happening and if you think about every one you'll go insane. Probably the reason why some people do go insane."
Yes, he's right. Probably why people in the military are struggling with severe depression and suicide. Bad things happen and we are mostly helpless. It can make you want to give up on life.
I thought of Nate and how him and I are so similar. We both have a tendency to shut down and want to channel ourselves into some kind of repetitive activity. He can't shut off his brain from all the stimuli happening around him. I can't shut off my brain from all the evils of this world. Perhaps in that sense there's the genetic susceptibility. We're both very sensitive people. And technology is breaking down our natural filters. Before it was just what was on the TV for a few hours in the day. Now the news is 24/7. Turn off the t.v. and turn on the internet. Innocently check your Facebook and there it is. Faces of beautiful babies now gone from this world.
The lesson I'm starting to learn is I still want to be connected to the world in some way and the bad things will continue to happen and I still must be connected. I can't shut off even if it hurts too much.
We want to stay connected but then we open ourselves up to all kinds of things where we have no filters to stop it.
With Nate, I'm having to rethink how I connect in this world. I'm a recluse that doesn't like to do social things but I've made my world very small. Nate is teaching me to not let our lack of filters to stop us from experiencing everything. We both need to learn to integrate ourselves into the outside worlds.
The world is scary and there is much evil. We don't have a lot of control over it. But life goes on and must be lived.
In one of my sessions with my homeopath, I was visualizing that I was in a tunnel slide and it was rough. I was feeling it but not experiencing it. It was a strange realization. I've shut myself off but still feel things anyway. My lack of filters doesn't stop things from coming in no matter how hard I try to shut myself off.
I'm getting the sense that as I try and get out more and immerse myself into life and living that the world will open up for Nate as well.
One important gift I've received from Nate is that much of his healing is intertwined with my own healing. I must heal myself as I try and heal him.
My heart is still broken with the recent tragedy and my prayers go out to everyone affected by it. May God grant eternal joy to the victims and mercy to the killer.
Beautifully written and expressed, S. cola! I loved it. You and I....we are so much alike.
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