Not for me God. I don't want that. I'll just have the two healthy children that are here and not tempt fate by having any more. Because I know that with all the autism diagnosis' increasing, I'll end up with one. So, no thanks. I'm done having kids.
But God had other plans. I have this horrible habit of worrying about things that happen before they happen and then they happen anyway. The worrying doesn't make it go away. It doesn't protect me. I found myself pregnant with our third child and all I did was worry. I worried that I'd have postpartum depression again. I worried something would be wrong. I worried that I'd have even less time for myself. I worried he'd have autism. All these things happened. My worrying didn't stop it. So what's the point of worrying? I think worrying is overrated and pointless now. But I still worry and it sucks.
Nate came into the world March 18th, 2009. He was healthy and gorgeous. He was the best birth of the three. The shortest labor and delivery. He was perfect. As with most kids on the spectrum, he was developing perfectly, hitting his milestones on time or ahead of schedule. I was hesitant to give him vaccines but my doctor guilt tripped me and I was weak and caved. I'm not a very confrontational person and I don't like to upset people so I was an easy target and fell like a house of cards.
My friend's daughter was diagnosed with autism several years before and while she was doing great, I witnessed the hell on earth that my friend went through and ultimately the dissolution of her marriage. So I told God,
"Not me. I'm not having another child. I have two healthy neurotypical children and I'm not tempting fate." So when I found myself pregnant and discussed my fears with her she told me,
"God will give you the grace to handle it if that's what God decides you need."
She was right that He did give me the grace to handle it. He did carry me through and it's no accident that Nate is here. I always got the sense that God had a specific purpose for him and for me. He has a very specific plan. Nate is special and has a special purpose here on earth. I'm not sure what that is yet but I know it will be significant.
Today Nate is 3 years old. He's nonverbal. This blog is about finding him again. I felt like he got lost after his 15 month vaccination. It happened slowly and subtly. He's always been a happy kid but the change transformed his happiness coming out of his own little world. He gradually turned inward and lost the words he had. He became more disconnected and not fully present. I imagine his recovery will be the same way. Slow, subtle and gradual. I'll talk more about what we're doing for him in the future. I know we'll get there and we are seeing good things. So know this my dear readers. This is a place of hope. If your child is newly diagnosed, I hope you'll come a long on this journey with me so you can see there's much to be hopeful for. It isn't the dark world I thought it would be. I've gained so much from this journey and Nate has too. I hope the same for every child and parent that are on this difficult journey. Come along with me and lets hope together.
But God had other plans. I have this horrible habit of worrying about things that happen before they happen and then they happen anyway. The worrying doesn't make it go away. It doesn't protect me. I found myself pregnant with our third child and all I did was worry. I worried that I'd have postpartum depression again. I worried something would be wrong. I worried that I'd have even less time for myself. I worried he'd have autism. All these things happened. My worrying didn't stop it. So what's the point of worrying? I think worrying is overrated and pointless now. But I still worry and it sucks.
Nate came into the world March 18th, 2009. He was healthy and gorgeous. He was the best birth of the three. The shortest labor and delivery. He was perfect. As with most kids on the spectrum, he was developing perfectly, hitting his milestones on time or ahead of schedule. I was hesitant to give him vaccines but my doctor guilt tripped me and I was weak and caved. I'm not a very confrontational person and I don't like to upset people so I was an easy target and fell like a house of cards.
My friend's daughter was diagnosed with autism several years before and while she was doing great, I witnessed the hell on earth that my friend went through and ultimately the dissolution of her marriage. So I told God,
"Not me. I'm not having another child. I have two healthy neurotypical children and I'm not tempting fate." So when I found myself pregnant and discussed my fears with her she told me,
"God will give you the grace to handle it if that's what God decides you need."
She was right that He did give me the grace to handle it. He did carry me through and it's no accident that Nate is here. I always got the sense that God had a specific purpose for him and for me. He has a very specific plan. Nate is special and has a special purpose here on earth. I'm not sure what that is yet but I know it will be significant.
Today Nate is 3 years old. He's nonverbal. This blog is about finding him again. I felt like he got lost after his 15 month vaccination. It happened slowly and subtly. He's always been a happy kid but the change transformed his happiness coming out of his own little world. He gradually turned inward and lost the words he had. He became more disconnected and not fully present. I imagine his recovery will be the same way. Slow, subtle and gradual. I'll talk more about what we're doing for him in the future. I know we'll get there and we are seeing good things. So know this my dear readers. This is a place of hope. If your child is newly diagnosed, I hope you'll come a long on this journey with me so you can see there's much to be hopeful for. It isn't the dark world I thought it would be. I've gained so much from this journey and Nate has too. I hope the same for every child and parent that are on this difficult journey. Come along with me and lets hope together.
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